Mock-A-Meme 8: Curves

“Real women have curves” is the alleged antidote to our society’s idea of “thin is beautiful.” After all, give a woman permission to have solid thighs and a substantial rear end, and she’ll be empowered!

Just make sure you do the curves right, okay honey?

Even in that anthem for “curvy women,” Meghan Trainor’s All About that Bass, all the women in the video are wearing serious shaping and firming underwear:

Full disclosure: I like this song.

The message is pretty clear: if you have to be big, make sure you’ve got all the right junk in all the right places.

Assuming you’ve got curves like Marilyn Monroe.  And we all know how well that worked for her.

After all, as my friend pointed out, this meme would mean a lot more to him if you added an S in a strategic spot.

Because the reason most of us don’t fit in with the crowd is because we’re gorgeous and rich and emotionally volatile like Marilyn Monroe.

My apologies for the bad word, although it’s a pretty standard feature of memes. In fact, in this context, it’s generally a compliment — the female equivalent of “he’s got balls.” So in case you’re wondering, this meme doesn’t make any sense. But why bother with making sense when you can wear shorts and a sweater that display aallll your virtues?

Or, alternatively, somebody will stand up, fix her hair, and say, “You hit like a…”

Because if we’re going to attach worth and significance to the perfect shape, we might as well make it something yummy like French fries.

Mock-A-Meme 9

Since I spent the weekend traveling,  today I’m serving a random assortment of memes for your browsing pleasure.

But if you lie down on a tractor path, you’ll want to be aware that it’s a tractor zone.

 

This was my result from a Facebook quiz. Evidently, 57% Organized women — like myself — dress in neo-hippie sundresses and drape themselves languidly over their kitchen counters.

 

So go ahead and be a ballet dancer! Graceful, athletic, and disciplined. Oh, hang on. You’re not graceful and athletic? You’d rather clear out brush with a machete, or maybe you eat crackers-and-mustard and cheese for breakfast? That’s just weird. Don’t be that. Be a ballet dancer.

 

Fortunately, we all have long blond hair, sensual lips, and look cute in a fuzzy hat pulled down over our eyes.

 

So you’re saying that tomorrow we’re all going to wake up with smooth skin, slender shoulders, and a perfectly-shaped chin? Bring it on!

 

But no matter how much you love your red tutu, sometimes it’s just time to change.

 

Plus, when you stand up on the inside, you are far less likely to plunge into the pond.

I think we can all learn the important lesson illustrated here, namely, that there was a reason her mother told her not to go on that weekend lake trip with her college buddies.

 

You might notice that three of these memes came from Raw for Beauty, a website that — whatever else its purpose — apparently lets users create their own memes. They’re such easy targets that sometimes I feel bad for mocking them.

Sometimes.

 

See, now, most of the women I’ve known who have an “attitude” were pretty insecure. A confident women doesn’t have to have an attitude… are you listening to me? Yes, I know he’s blue. And she’s yellow. But I’m making a point here… What? I think he’s supposed to be wearing Native American stuff or something… yes, I know he doesn’t look Native, he looks like he was born in a mall… This picture seems to distract from its own message.

Imagine that.

Mock-A-Meme 10

“So you just don’t like memes, huh?”

Actually, I do like some memes. In fact, I like some of the ones I make fun of. My point isn’t so much what the words say; it’s how the pictures often undercut their own messages.

Not all memes have this problem. Take this one. Although I think the message is stupid, at least the picture makes sense:

And I like this one, both the message and the fact that the picture reinforces the sentiment:

So, no, I don’t necessarily dislike memes.

But so many of them need to be mocked. And that’s why we are gathered here today.

Hoo boy, Granny’s lookin’ dang hot these days! “Over the river and through the woods, to Grandmother’s boy toy’s house we go!” Most women don’t look like this at 27, much less 57. It’s nice to know that even well into retirement, we can still feel inadequately sexy.

That body looks pretty perfect to me. Maybe her flaw is that she’s a liar. Meaning that she might be lying about not being fake. On the other hand, she might be lying about being not-perfect, although if that’s the case, she wouldn’t lie because she’s perfect. This is a very complicated meme.

Speaking as a short girl myself, I know that I’m most appreciated for my perfectly-proportioned body — especially the generously-sized breasts compared to my small frame. And if there’s one thing that short girls are absolutely known for, it’s having legs that go on for miles.

And despite his stupid grin, I’m sure the guy appreciates her for who she is, not for how she fills up the horizontal space between them.

(It would probably be unladylike to notice that the guy doesn’t fill up any horizontal space at all, if you get my drift; it makes me wonder exactly how interested he is in her. Oh, sorry, was I not supposed to be looking? Sorry, let’s concentrate on those exaggerated girl parts again and leave the boys alone.)

You know, it really shouldn’t take much brainpower to figure out that pin-up pictures are not the ideal illustration for women’s empowerment messages.

And lucky for us, life usually has us go on snowy weekend vacations (without kids), where we can sit beside a fire pit and laugh with a very attractive partner. Also, it often throws in decorative lanterns as a bonus.

Oh my gosh, how did they know? That’s what I always look like after I’ve been rejected, betrayed, and abandoned! I have worn that expensive vintage hat and that flawless lipstick in every single one of my thousand battles! Also, you can’t see from this picture, but I’m wearing stilettos. They hurt like heck, but sure do look good. And that’s what matters.

Just remember: today’s strong woman in stilettos is tomorrow’s hot grandma. I don’t know about you, but I’ve already picked out my coordinating cape to go with my catsuit.

Mock-A-Meme 11: Hunks

You know what’s hard to find in meme-world?

Men, that’s what.

I guess it’s a good thing that all these women are happy with their gorgeous selves, because there aren’t many men around to keep them company. Not on earth, anyway.

Apparently angels are pretty smokin’ hot.

So this is what I get if I suffer? Okay then, God. Bring it ON.

P.S. Silk slips don’t fit me like that. I look good in a sweetheart-neckline tunic and leggings, though. Can I wear that instead? Do you think the angel will mind?

In pursuit of hunky men equality, I reworked some memes from my other posts. This way men can experience the same inspirational feelings of frustration that women usually do. It’s a service I like to provide for males everywhere. Ask me about shopping for underwear.

   

You can’t argue with that beauty, guys. So come on, decide to be yourself! By way of being in your mid-twenties, working out at the gym, getting sexy tattoos, and don’t forget the scruff.

    

It’s proven that spirits soar better when the man in question is shirtless with jeans on. Women’s spirits do, anyway.

   

And it really helps your confidence to look like that in a kilt, boys. Trust me on this.

In closing, I think we can all see that objectifying men has exactly the same effect as objectifying women. It dulls our sense of the inherent value of people just as they are. It clouds the message of… Ooh, another angel!

If you need me, I’ll be praying for extra protection and guarding and stuff.

Mock-A-Meme 12

Where do memes come from?

Well, when a picture really, really loves some words, they get together in a special way and… Who am I kidding? Nobody knows how most memes are created or born. They’re just there.

But the website Raw for Beauty seems to be a breeding spot for meme-type pictures. Just in case you think I have to really look for examples of the “well-shaped-woman-in-clingy-clothes” thing, here’s a whole collection for your viewing pleasure.

I call this one The White Dress Collage:

Although it’s hard to read all the words, the general message is one of dreamy happiness, inner strength, and clothes that maintain a very tenuous connection with their hosts. And legs. Legs play a very big part in self-empowerment.

Also, although most of our strength comes from within it, it’s apparently stimulated by copious amounts of sunlight and humidity — best obtained by gazing at the sun at the waterside, as demonstrated below.

I call this one Vitamin D is for Dreams

For the record, it takes me about fifteen minutes to create these supermemes.

Well, it’s been fun, but it’s about time to wrap up… What? Okay, okay. I’ll do one more collage.

I call this collection Mystical Fantasy Collage.

Same beautiful ideals. But fewer clothes, weirder headdresses, and lots of time in nature… preferably nature on a distant planet. If our sun imparts inner strength, just think what an alien moon can do!

So, woman, go and bare thy legs and shoulders, and gaze. Self-empowerment is just a light-year away!

Mock-A-Meme 13: Final Roundup

It’s been a fun run. Mocking memes has brightened a lot of my Mondays.

For this final installment…

… Well, sort of final. I’m sure that the pressure will build up periodically, and I’ll have to mock some more memes. But until then…

This final installment is a non-themed collection of memes that I just want to laugh at.

I’d rather just admire my own gorgeous legs. I don’t go in for fake drama. You can tell by the fake, dramatic flower on my hat.

Well, maybe not “together” so much as “me wandering all over your house and you leaving me alone.” And maybe not “unconditional” so much as “as long as you feed me and don’t move suddenly and make me freak out.” And you know, it’s been great talking and all, but how about you just let me out of my cage and walk away?

I had no idea the moon was into such horrible puns. Also, Moon, you live life to the fullest on only one, maybe two days out of the month. Can we spend the second half of the month waning away to nothing? Not to be anti-social; we just don’t like fake drama.

Dear God, please make my life perfect. Um, today, please? We’re getting to the middle of the month so I want to live life to the fullest, which is easier when life is perfect.

Oh, and P.S. God, the spouse you gave me doesn’t want to ride through a field on just one bike, and stop to laugh and kiss me in the sunlight. Could you see about that, too? Thanks so much.

Whoa. So much for listening to the Moon and praying to God! Everything I need is inside me! And I’ve got way more of it than that woman, because her middle and her thighs are pretty sadly lacking in the storage department.

I checked on Deadbook, and sure enough, not one person shared this meme. Spoilsports.

Mock-A-Meme 14: Friendship and B****es

I’ve got several memes stacked up here on my netbook, so I need to share them with the world.

Yup, this is totally my experience. Me and my BFF, we drink whiskey, smoke sexily, and give each other tattoos. She looks like Marilyn Monroe, and I look like Audrey Hepburn, but we switch it up sometimes so I’m Monroe and she’s Hepburn. It confirms the age-old wisdom that getting dead drunk and tattooed is the very best way to deal with life’s problems.

The word bitch* shows up a lot in memes these days. Apparently, it’s something to strive for now, which is nice for some women I know, who are naturally talented in that direction. Anyway, note how the message meshes so beautifully with this picture — a woman who is broken down and also wearing revealing black outfit can build others up and her thigh-high stockings look really hot oh wait were you saying something?

Passive aggressive stab at people who don’t love you for who you are? Check. Use of the word “bitch”? Check. Rain and Umbrella? Check. It features the cute ragamuffin girls instead of sexy woman in clingy clothes, so juuusst barely misses the Golden Perfect Meme Award.

I particularly like the wildly optimistic idea that a woman who lets a man treat her bad will eventually attract a man who will treat her well. But come on, this shifty-eyed woman rocks the red mask, lipstick, and red beads. A man looks at this and thinks, “She must be priceless as a person with an intelligent, thoughtful outlook on life. Sure would like to conversate with her.”

So, anyway, off to spend Monday being bitchy and wearing a red mask. Don’t worry — my true friends love me anyway, and someday I’ll find a man who does too.

* Advisory note to my children: This is a bad word, one that we don’t actually use, and not an attitude we strive for. I can use it on my blog for literary and ironic purposes and because I’m the mom. Thank you.

Mock-A-Meme 15: Love and Romance

I fell in love and got married, but now thanks to the wisdom of memes, I’m realizing maybe I did it all wrong.

This meme speaks the heart of so many of us who are jaded by empty modern romances, the ones that center around current clothes styles, color photography, and landlocked scenery. We all long for the times when people fell in love wearing vintage clothes on a beach in black and white, because love was more beautiful then.

 

As this meme amply demonstrates, you can be a very flawed and weak person and still find true love — as long as you are gorgeous and you fall in love in black and white on a beach. Also, it’s one of life’s bonuses that the person who thinks you’re amazing is invariably hunky.

 

But did this couple fall in love the old-fashioned way? I mean, they’re in color, and he’s sporting a pretty modern hipster beard. That could be a beach they’re on, but who can tell with all that snow?

Really, here’s the main reason this meme incurs my mockery. It reminds me of a courtship story I read as a young adult. “Courtship” as practiced in my circles meant that the parents were heavily involved in the couple’s relationship. The two of them were under the watchful eye of both families at all times. In this case, the whole process was highly scripted, as in, “During the Thanksgiving visit, we sat down and talked about our strengths and weaknesses, and our vision for our future.” Their courtship progressed according to schedule, and on Christmas Eve, he popped out of a big box and proposed to her in front of everybody. And she wrote, “God had prepared my heart, and I was able to accept his proposal with gratitude.”

The tepid statement horrified me. Gratitude?! Let’s have some butterflies, some passion, some roiling sexual longing here! So although I definitely am “grateful for my spouse,” it still sounds like pretty faint praise to me.

Note: That couple eventually broke off their engagement.

 

A friend posted this to my wall on Facebook, and there’s just so much here to contemplate.

My take is that they were at an event where he wore a shirt and tie and she wore a white dress; not a wedding, but maybe a dance. Romantically, they ditched the party, went wading in the river, and climbed up on the old boat dock for a kiss in the golden afternoon light.

Well, she thinks it’s going to be a kiss. He seems to have intentions of modifying her off-the-shoulder dress to an off dress.

What you can’t see are the two brothers strolling in their direction, intending to modify him from a devious boyfriend to a bloody-nosed ex-boyfriend.

I commented the above on Facebook. After others chimed in, I realized that I failed to capture all the intricacies of the moment. Other observations included:

*
I just keep thinking he looks way too much like Adam Sandler to be the one who makes you see why all the others didn’t work out. Hold on to your dress and keep looking, sweetie.

*
Are those nails hanging out of that board behind Mr. Perfect? My Mom Radar is wanting to save them from certain disaster.

*
I want to know who is snapping pictures while this is taking place.

*
Everyone is commenting on his hand on her dress…what about her hand?

*
I’m with the commenter above. ^^ Looks to me like she’s anticipating a bit more than a kiss.

*
Maybe I’m cynical but I look at this picture and think for real, get a room.

*
I did notice her hand, but after looking closely it turned out she’s just got a handful of dress. But you know, y’all bring up good points. A room would be way more comfortable…

… and who’s taking this picture?

 

No doubt this is mockable. But fact is, I’m including it because I like it. So there you go.

Thanks to the friends who sent me these memes. I have three or four more in storage for another post.

Mock-A-Meme 16: Perfectly Normal Women

Dear Men,
Today’s meme lineup features women whose perfect bodies are matched only by their well-adjusted personalities. Look at this as your illustrated guide to women you definitely want to date.

She strolls through a field of white flowers in an impending storm just to give you, her friend, a hug. This might prove inconvenient if you’re not a morning person. She’s also into re-fashion, in which she restyles old clothes and into new clothes. She’s not actually very good at it, so if I were you I’d hide my good suits, because chances are your legs aren’t as nice as hers.

 

And if her tribe is that of skinny, bra-less women with long hair and longer skirts, you’ll definitely want to take that into account before you agree to any wedding plans.

 

And she… well, she’s a blatant liar. That rear of hers does not have padding. (Not that anybody was looking, right?) Also, why does she have a tattoo of a pinup girl on her arm? Answer: two pinup girls equals twice the empowerment!

 

Ah, how can you go wrong with a woman who loves her son? Feel free to ask her out, but keep in mind that she’s probably already booked up with movie nights, shopping trip, spa days, and candlelit dinners with her son.

 

Another liar. If you’re lucky, though, she’ll keep her earbuds in so you can just gaze at that flat stomach and not have to make conversation.

 

I don’t know if it’s the extensive, unhideable sleeve tattoo, or the curled-up tongue that gives a stronger impression of wisdom. But grab this one, men. Wisdom with an updo, right here!

I tell you what, I’m just glad these memes weren’t around when DJ was checking out the prospects around him. I got my man in the last days before it was so easy to see what real womanhood looks like.

Mock-A-Meme 17: Things to Worry About

I’m really glad for this meme that encourages women to feel beautiful despite those horrible disfiguring stretch marks, which is the first thing that everybody notices upon seeing this picture.

But if she’s still struggling, I can offer an exchange. I don’t have stretch marks. She can have my smooth, untanned, three-c-section lumpy torso, and I’ll take her marks and a waist. We’ll both be happy.

Or — here’s a novel idea — we can agree that there are more important things to worry about.

They actually look like the type of people who would ask each other, “Dude, where’s my car?” But at least they don’t look too worried about it.

… a young blond sexy thing who wears tight jeans and silver heels that darn sure never stepped in a cow patty.

So what you’re saying is that you won’t wait for all your friends to jump off a cliff?

Ah, now here’s someone truly free from worry! Also someone who is going to experience an ending in about fifteen seconds. (This picture references a struggle often highlighted in memes, the mysterious workings of umbrellas.)

Tsunamis. Those are tough to survive. You might want to worry.

Thanks to my friends who continue to send me memes. The supply doesn’t seem to be running dry.